Wednesday, July 31, 2013

2007 New Yorker Festival Recap of "Outside the Box" Panel with David Milch, David Simon, and others

This is an "official" recap.

This is my stream of consciousness recap:

Looks like everyone got killed on deadwood. Brave hbo. Selling douches. False dichotomies. Network and cable not so different. Upper middle class jerking off, no penises. Pillow keeps falling off chair, buff guy puts it back. Penis on the shoulder, instead of black and white holding hands, no more notes. Jews fit in but give illusion of danger. Head cut off by Cossack, that is funny. Ain't tv with jerk off motion. Christmas eve in the cunt. Blacks can watch the wire not boxing. Pimp does not need the pussy, if I don't need hbo that is attractive to them. Bullshit under his breath. Simon tells milch to be normal and answer questions. Products don't want to be seen on The wire. We talk about the human heart, you worry about how you download your bullshit. White people talking about nice nude statues

Friday, February 17, 2012

Juicy Jeremy Lin (an homage)

Super Lintendo, an Asian on the Knicks
When Melo got hurt, man I couldn’t picture this
20-plus points, while sleepin' on a sofa
Few more games, we be callin' him Jehovah
Post front page, been there done that
No need to worry, unless your name be STAT
And D'Antoni can stop scrounging
Celebrating every day, thanks to his foundling
Thinking back to eight and fifteen
Now thinking playoffs, know what i mean?

Saturday, September 03, 2011

Sometimes it's better not to ask

The Scene: A small roadside cafe an hour outside of Reykjavik.

The Players: Two American tourists and a waitress.

Waitress: So, I have to ask, where are you guys from?
Me: New York City, you ever been?
Waitress: Of course, I'm actually from Seattle.
(She goes to get the check and the guys, surprised to find out she's American, consider whether or not to press the issue. She comes back.)
Me: Seattle, really? What brought you out to this neck of the woods? How long have you been here?
Waitress: Well, it's funny, I've actually been here for three years. My friend had a job for me and I came over. Three months turned into six, six into nine, and here I am today.
(She leaves.)
Me (to Todd): Well that cured lamb was pretty delicious...

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Good Morning New York: A Story in Four Acts

Act 1:
[I step onto a crowded 6 train at Union Square and immediately notice a foul odor.]

Act 2:
[I look around and see polite people, including some cute French 20-something tourists, cover their noses in disgust.]

Act 3:
Only honest man left in America (yelling): "It smells like ass in here!"

Act 4:
[Everyone with a sense of smell silently switches cars at 23rd street, including my French tourist "friends".]

Thursday, September 23, 2010

This is why we can't have nice things

Listening to Econtalk on the way to work today, another Jew was angry about the economy and making some pretty valid points when all of a sudden I just couldn't take it anymore. I put on "For No One" and all my cares just melted away.

King Cong

To the beat of "King Kong":

[Intro]
King Cong in the van,
He'll tell you how this began.

[Congdon]
See you see life, can't see the seams
Way you see life, ain't what it seems
Let's take the double B
Former Mexicali
Let me tell you what people told me
Your guac's too soft-y
Your goal's too loft-y
Chicken's too shredded
Salsa taste like gas unleaded
But I had to stay true
To the Fresh-Mex I knew
Get a 2-star YDN review
So I opened the cantina
Mastered the quesadilla
Every time a kid left, I always said "See ya"
Students came for the food
Stayed for C-N-N Headline News
Left Bulldog with slightly more liberal views
Success led to fame
Made Viva's look lame
B squared so scorchin'
I considered larger portions
Decided against it
Didn't think I'd gain yet
So I stuck with authenticity
Then got struck by duplicity

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Interracial Separated at Birth

The best one I've seen since Barry Sanders and that guy Noah from 90210:

Monday, May 10, 2010

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Loq'ed out

[To the tune of Gucci Mane's "Never Too Much Money"]

I can't stop, I won't stop, I keep eating loquats
Never too much, never too much loquats
I woke up gummin', lips feeling swollen
Never too much, never too much loquats!

Seriously though, anybody have calorie info on these things?

Monday, May 03, 2010

20-something guy thinks wistfully about mid-2000s pop econ craze

If it were 2006, I could argue that the popularization of anti-lock brakes led to the rise of grunge music and get a 3-book deal from HarperCollins.

Friday, March 05, 2010

My current outlook on life

I am constantly dealing with two conflicting emotions. On the one hand, I hate when anyone is too into anything, especially on the internet. Are anthropomorphic cats really that funny? On the other hand, I really love when someone shows genuine enthusiasm for whatever he or she is doing at a given moment. I was even sympathetic to the people who were super-excited about discovering the sharing capabilities of Google Buzz.

In thinking about this for a moment, I realized that the Germans must have a word for this complicated feeling I hold in my heart, so here is my gift to you and an encapsulation of my state of mind:

  • Begeisterungliebehassen
You're welcome.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

How do I know that I'm not a Digital Native?

I still say goodbye in gchat.

You see, digital natives are always connected, so they're never really there and they're never really not there. Meanwhile, I can still remember the dark days of a pre-ChatRoulette universe.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Ask a SeamlessWeb About Us Description

Dear SeamlessWeb About Us Description,

My son is being picked on in gym class because he hasn’t scored a single goal yet in the hockey unit. I told him not to worry because he’s getting straight A’s in math, and sports won’t be as big a deal later in life. But he’s only 13 and he can’t understand that right now. To make matters worse, I’m a single mother, so he has no father figure to teach him how to take a slap shot. How should I handle the situation?

-Worried in Wasilla

Dear Worried,

Upon entering Metro Deli, each diner will immediately fall in love with the ambience and friendly atmosphere that the staff creates. Prepared right before your eyes, the food is extremely fresh, hot and tasty. From the main dishes to the salad bar, the servings are plentiful and the options are diverse, making this meal one of the best deals you can find in Midtown, or the entire city for that matter.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Best Recent Top Chef-Related Dream I've Had

I'm in the final four, working out of the tiny kitchen of my childhood. I screw everything up by not cooking enough food and having trouble plating. I exit the kitchen to see that my mom is a guest judge and she's very disappointed in me.